10-08-03

Aan alles komt een einde

Men zegt wel eens dat je moet stoppen op het hoogtepunt van je roem.  Een vermelding op de skynet main page en meer dan 2600 hits zou ik niet omschrijven als 'roem', maar een klein succesje is het wel.
 
Het onderhouden van 5 skynetblogs werd een beetje veel van het goede, dus ik geef er de brui aan, ik geef de pijp aan Maarten, ik kies het ruime sop op zoek naar andere oorden, ik stop ermee. Ik gooi mijn kap over de haag, ik vertrek met de Noorderwind, ik verdwijn van de aardbodem, ik ben ermee weg, Geen updates meer.
 
"U was een geweldig publiek" om er nog een cliché tegenaan te gooien. Buitengewoon origineel kun je een blog als deze niet noemen, daarvoor is het teveel copy-paste werk, maar ik hoop toch dat ik door mijn eigenzinnige selectie een eigen invalshoek heb kunnen vinden.
 
Wie toch niet genoeg kan krijgen van mijn exploten, gelieve zich te wenden tot http://the-insane.skynetblogs.be.  Ik zal er daar anders al eens vaker een mop tegenaan gooien, zodat de teleurgestelde funstuff bezoeker niet helemaal op zijn honger blijft zitten.
 
Hasta la vista !
 
http://the-insane.skynetblogs.be

14:47 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (10) |  Facebook |

Nogmaals de opvoeding van de kleine Johny

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo.  But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.
 
Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
 
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."
 
"Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
 
"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther.
 
"Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
 
Finally, little Johnny raises his hand.  With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
 
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger.  He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians.  And they all attacked at one time.  And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
 
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
 
"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

14:06 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

08-08-03

De boer deel III

"De boerenstiel is een hard vak", zei de boer en hij zat met zijn kont in de boter.

21:23 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

Opvoeding

Als dit geen Britse humor is ...
 
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in her kitchen was listening to her little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room.  She heard the train stop and the son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddam train 'cause we're leaving."
 
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house.  Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language.
 
Two hours later, the son came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train.  Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.  Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon.  For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today.
 
For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!"

21:02 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

Verleiden

Een goed verstaander...

13:15 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

07-08-03

Vakidioot

Verder nog in de categorie zelfverzonnen zei-spreuken :
 
"Voor je het weet ben je een vakidioot", zei de agent, en hij schoot zijn vrouw dood.

13:16 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

06-08-03

De boer deel II

"Het is niet al goud dat blinkt", zei de boer, en hij verpakte zijn schuur in zilverpapier

21:23 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

05-08-03

De dochters van de boer

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own.  He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them.
 
As they entered the late teens the girls dated and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.
 
The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said " Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.
 
The next lad arrived and said " My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was ok too , so off the two kids went.
 
The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door.
The boy started off  "Hi, my name's Chuck..... and the farmer shot him.

13:23 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

02-08-03

Videoconference

I know the feeling

16:22 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

01-08-03

Beschaving

Hoe de beschaving aan zijn eind zal komen.

19:04 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

Maes, Heineken en Jupiler

De drie directeurs van Maes, Heineken en Jupiler nemen elke morgen de trein naar het werk. Op een zekere morgen is er en serieuze vertraging en ze  besluiten samen iets te gaan drinken. Ze stappen een café binnen waar ze meer dan 120 verschillende bieren hebben.
 
De directeur van Maes roept : "Patron, drie Maeskes alstublieft." Eens hun glas leeg is, roept de directeur van Heineken: "Hallo, barman, drie Heineken svp". Nadat deze uit zijn, is het de beurt aan de directeur van Jupiler : "Patron, drie Heineken alstublieft!"
 
De directeurs van Maes en Heineken verschieten en kijken elkaar verwonderd aan. Plots zegt die van Heineken: "Man, hoe kan dat nu ? Jij bent directeur van Jupiler en jij bestelt drie Heineken ?"

"Wel, ja," zegt de directeur van Jupiler, op zijn uurwerk kijkend, "'t Is nog wat vroeg om bier te drinken !"

08:53 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

31-07-03

Het verschil tussen erotisch en vulgair ?

Wat is het verschil tussen 'erotisch' en 'vulgair'?
 
Neem een mooi wit zacht donsveertje en streel hiermee zacht op en neer tussen de benen van je geliefde. Dat is nou 'erotisch'.
 
En als je dat nu met een hele kip doet, dan is het 'vulgair'.

14:44 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

30-07-03

Kinderen en computers

De kinderen van tegenwoordig zitten veel te veel aan de computer ... zegt men

16:06 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

The Hitman

Two men met for the first time while playing golf and decided to carry on playing their round together. Early on in their conversation they brought up the subject of their respective occupations.
 
First Man : I'm a car salesman.

Second Man: Well my job is quite secretive, you see, I'm a hit man.
 
First Man : No shit!!
 
Second Man: No it's true. Look I'll show you. I have golf clubs that can be assembled into a high powered rifle.
 
So the hit man takes his golf clubs and in minutes has assembled a high powered rifle complete with telescopic sights. He hands it to the other man who starts looking through the sights and after a few minutes realises he can see his own house with the telescopic sights.
 
First Man : Shit!! My wife is sun bathing naked in the back yard.... What's this?!! The neighbour is jumping over the fence and he's naked too!... How much do you charge for a hit?
 
Second Man: $5000 a pop.
 
First Man : Alright. Shoot them both and I'll pay you the 10 grand.
 
Second Man: Okay. Where abouts do you want them shot?
 
First Man : Well let me see.... Shoot the wife in the mouth, the moaning bitch.... and shoot the neighbour in the balls, the randy bastard.
 
So the hit man lines up his gun and takes aim. After a few minutes the hit man still hasn't fired.
 
First Man : What's taking you so long?
 
Second Man: If you wait a minute I might be able to save you $5000!
 

09:44 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

29-07-03

Verhaaltje

Een verhaaltje voor het slapen gaan.

12:58 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

Who's the boss

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he  wanted to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at this that the asshole became mad and closed up.
 
After a few days...
 
The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
 
This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

Just an Asshole.
 

11:05 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

Beautiful

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
 
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
 
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.  She then called on little Michael.
 
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
 
"Excellent, Michael!"  Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
 
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

08:37 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

28-07-03

Jargon

Als de "oudere generatie" met PC's begint te werken...

16:34 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

Hang on tight, daddy !

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water.  Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.  Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy!  Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
 
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.

Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.  Johnny cries out: "Hang on tight, Daddy!  This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"


11:55 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

26-07-03

De boer

"Ge moet leven volgens uwen stand", zei de boer, en hij scheet op de mesthoop

16:17 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

25-07-03

Het kan ook niet altijd raak zijn

Waarschijnlijk heeft iedereen deze al 200 keer in zijn mailbox gehad, maar toch, voor iedereen die het nog niet las :
 
Op een bepaalde nacht vorige week gingen m'n vrouw en ik slapen. Toen we in bed lagen begon het onvermijdelijke en opwindende spelletje van wederzijdse aanrakingen en strelingen.

Ik stond zowat bloedheet toen ik begon aan de volgende stap die onze uiting is van wederzijds verlangen en liefde.... Maar op dat moment zei m'n vrouw leukweg: "Ik heb nu eigenlijk geen zin, lieverd. Ik wil gewoon dat je me eens stevig knuffelt, hmmm ?"

Waarop ik riep: "WABLIEF??? Eerst maak je me gloeiend heet en dan zeg je doodleuk dat je geen zin hebt ?!?"

Waarop zei met een pruilmondje de magische woordjes zei: "Jij begrijpt gewoon mijn emotionele behoeften als vrouw niet..."

Waarop ik capituleerde en ging slapen, want het ging er die avond duidelijk toch niet van komen...

De volgende dag gingen we inkopen doen in het Shopping Center. Ik observeerde haar terwijl ze drie hele leuke, maar dure jurkjes probeerde. Toen ik zag dat ze maar niet kon beslissen welk van de 3 het zou worden, stelde ik voor om ze gewoon alle drie te kopen.

Geheel geëmotioneerd en gemotiveerd door mijn begrijpende houding, zei ze dat ze er wel nog een paar schoenen bij nodig had en dat die 600 euro kostten, waardoor het wel wat duur ging worden. Maar ik zei dat het voor één keer wel moest kunnen. Dus namen we de drie jurken met één paar bijpassende schoenen.

Maar een vrouw blijft een vrouw, natuurlijk. Dus probeerde ze nog wat verder te gaan door wel héél erg lang naar een mooi gouden kettinkje met diamantjes te staren bij de juwelenafdeling in dezelfde winkel. Ze zal wel gedacht hebben dat ik gek werd toen ik opnieuw toegaf, maar om eerlijk te zijn: ze liet zich wel lekker bedienen...

Ik denk eigenlijk dat ze me maar wilde testen toen ze begon over die heel dure set professionele golfclubs "first class", maar toen ik ook hier met een "ach, waarom ook niet?" instemde, ging ze helemaal zweven. Ik denk dat ze zelfs sexueel opgewonden werd: je had haar moeten zien !!!

Ze vond blijkbaar dat ze ver genoeg gegaan was, toen ze met een heerlijke glimlach zei dat we maar beter naar de kassa konden gaan, voordat ik helemaal ging overdrijven!

Ik had het verschrikkelijk moeilijk om niet te lachen toen ik
doodgemoedereerd zei: "Ach nee, lieverd, ik denk dat ik vandaag geen zin heb om dat allemaal te kopen..."

Haar blik was onbetaalbaar! Ze werd bovendien helemaal bleek! En toen ik erbovenop zei: "Ik wil enkel dat je me eens stevig knuffelt... ", sloeg haar verbijsterde gezicht om van bleek naar vuurrood, vol van haat en woede.

Ik voegde er enkel nog aan toe: "Jij begrijpt gewoon mijn financiële behoeften als man niet..."

Ik denk niet dat ik nog sex mag verwachten vóór de winter van 2003...

13:50 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

24-07-03

A day in hell

Nog één van mijn favorieten
 
A guy  dies and wakes up to find he is in hell.  He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I led a wild life but I wasn't that bad.  I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

COUNSELOR:  What's the problem, you look depressed?
 
GUY:  Well, what do you think?  I'm in hell.
 
COUNSELOR:  Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun.  Do you like to drink?
 
GUY:  Sure, I love to drink.
 
COUNSELOR:  Well then, you are going to love Mondays.  On Mondays we drink up a storm.  You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as  much as you  want.   We  party all night long.  You'll love Mondays. 
Do you smoke?
 
GUY:  Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
 
COUNSELOR:  You are going to love Tuesdays.  Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere.  And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because your already dead!   Is that great or what? You
are going to love Tuesdays. 
Do you do drugs?
 
GUY:  Well, in my younger days I experimented a little...
 
COUNSELOR:  You are going to love Wednesdays.  That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry  about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already  dead!  You are going to love Wednesdays.
Do you gamble?
 
GUY:  Yes, I love to gamble.
 
COUNSELOR:  You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night.  Black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse  races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays.
Are you gay?
 
GUY: Well, no I'm not.
 
COUNSELOR:  Oooh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

20:44 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

De hippie en de non

Eén van mijn absoluut favoriete moppen.
 
A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would have sex with him.
 
The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie,"if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
 
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder,"said the bus driver guy "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
 
Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first."
 
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun.
 
After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"
 
The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting,"Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
 

12:29 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

22-07-03

Meer aandacht

Deze is speciaal voor de liefde van mijn leven.

16:18 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

Moderne versie 'Romeo and Juliet'

Een mens moet zijn sprookjes aanpassen aan de tijd waarin we leven, nietwaar

12:42 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

20-07-03

Gama su !

A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling ``Gama Su!, Gama Su!''. Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!

Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet.

After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked:  "Wrong hole?  What do you mean wrong hole?"

11:19 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

18-07-03

De Bijbel volgens Herman


15:21 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (1) |  Facebook |

17-07-03

De koene ridder

Een groep rovers waren een meisje aan het lastig vallen, toen de dappere ridder voorbij kwam met zijn paard. Hij redde het meisje en de rovers sloegen op de vlucht.
 
Nu bleek dat het meisje een fee was. En omdat hij haar leven gered had mocht de ridder drie wensen doen.
 
Zijn eerste wens was: "Maak mijn paard onschendbaar", zijn tweede wens was, "Maak mij onschendbaar". Toen viel er een stilte, opeens zei hij, "Mijn derde wens is, geef mij de geslachtsdelen van mijn paard!".
 
Nu dat hij zijn drie wensen gedaan had ging hij zijn kasteel terug, waar de stalknecht hem tegemoet kwam. De ridder zei tegen de knecht, "Neem die steen en gooi die tegen het hoofd van het paard!". De knecht aarzelde eerst en deed dan wat de ridder vroeg. De knecht stond versteld, het paard had niets.
 
De ridder zei toen, "Neem die steen," die nog groter was, "en gooi die tegen mijn hoofd!". De knecht deed wat de ridder hem vroeg. De knecht stond perplex, en zei, "zoiets heb ik nog nooit gezien!".
 
"Ik zal je nog iets straffers laten zien," zei de ridder, en deed zei broek uit. De knecht verschoot, en zei, "amaai, zo'n foef heb ik nog nooit gezien!!!".
 

19:30 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (2) |  Facebook |

Schitterend gewoon !

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home, yet you also created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case; I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell."
 
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
 
St. Peter: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
 
Bill: "Fine, but where should I go first?"
 
St. Peter: "I'll leave that up to you."
 
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
 
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.
 
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
 
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
 
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
 
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"
 
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

11:10 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |

16-07-03

Nog een pijnlijk ongeval

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
 
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.  Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
 
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help.  I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
 
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the foetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.
 
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. After a short massage she asked him, "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

16:14 Gepost door the insane | Permalink | Commentaren (0) |  Facebook |